Thursday, November 27, 2008

Democrats To Change Name from Thanksgiving to Resentment Day

Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the house, has announced that she has proposed a bill that will change the the name of the late-November American holiday from Thanksgiving to Resentment Day. "The Thanksgiving Day Parade needs to be changed into a protest march," Congressman Rahm Emanuel added. Noting that Thanksgiving's history is male-dominated, Speaker Pelosi said that she "realized in over 200 years of our history, these meetings have taken place and a woman has never ever sat at (the head of) that table." Democrats predict a healthy, across-the-board increase in resentment of all kinds. "I'm very excited about the prospects for Resentment Day," Senator Kennedy said.

Heartily supporting the change, President-elect Obama's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, adds (see below) that "Thanksgiving has been a holiday that has been controlled by rich, white men. It is a European holiday. My skin is the wrong color for Thanksgiving. I am sick of Negroes who just do not get it."

Speaker Pelosi, Senator Kennedy and President-elect Obama aim to change the Thanksgiving Day dinner ritual, which Senator Kennedy describes as "racist". On Resentment Day all Americans will share with others around the table the reasons why and how they have been wronged, what they are most resentful about and why taxes should be raised to subsidize them.

Especially excited was the head of the Ku Klux Klan. He noted: "White males have been wronged for too long. It is time we got to express our resentment, just like everyone else."

First Lady-elect, Michelle Obama, seemed pleased with prospective name change. She said, "And let me tell you something -- for the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change." She emphasized that people are hungry for "change", not "turkey", which she considers to be a racist construct. She added that now she will not feel alone in her frustration. All Americans, especially those whose family incomes reach $1.6 million in a single year, will be "unified" in their expression of resentment toward the United States and freedom.

The animal rights movement is also exuberant about the name change. Writing from the Democratic Party's left wing, asks "Why do only white turkeys get pardons?" Moreover, has provided vegetarian Resentment Day recipes. They have proposed that anyone eating Turkey on Thanksgiving Day be sent to one of the re-education camps that Congressman Emanuel has proposed. "Americans must be taught to think in unison. Turkeys have rights, too."

Animal rights activist Stephanie Ernst of adds:

"A lot of you, I imagine, will be doing your grocery shopping this weekend, so in advance of that, I'm going to share with you a roundup of resources full of animal-free recipes."

While expressing resentment around the table, animal rights activists say, don't forget America's centuries of abuse of turkeys. "We need to resent the turkeys' agonized gobbles and the treatment of their remains as mere 'leftovers'."

Senator Kennedy also voiced support for the change. "People earning the minimum wage should be resentful that they are not earning more. Working families deserve a raise. Everyone deserves a raise. Everyone should be resentful." As well, he added, "automobile drivers who murder their passengers have been unfairly treated. I resent that."

Congressman Emmanuel proposed that anyone celebrating traditional Thanksgiving should be imprisoned. The editors of the New York Times said that Emanuel's proposal is "moderate" and ought to be taken seriously. "This is change we can believe in." The Times said that it resented that its reporting could not be even more overtly biased in President-elect Obama's favor, and suggested across the board tax increases to begin to satisfy Americans' resentments and perhaps create new ones. "We have resentments, too," the Times's editors said.

The esteemed Jim Crum responds:

Don’t laugh too hard…
I can see the day where someone will try to do this.
For what it is worth, you’ll notice that all of the people quoted have one thing in common: They don’t have real jobs, they really don’t work, they simply do not produce. So value added? None.

The renowned Candace de Russy responds:


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I resent how unforgettably funny this is. This is better than dessert. And less filling. Thank you. kim